//last day of ap lit Stelzner: Taylor Swift > Shakespeare
//ap lit Stelzner: you know, this book only costs $12 if you don't return it, and it's a good book to hold onto. //in the chat: "Stelzner out here encouraging us to steal books from the school" Stelzner: I would NEVER do such a thing! At least, not while the meeting is being recorded. Which it isn't, because I've paused it. So yeah, do whatever you want.
Max: You shouldn't take antibiotics at all! Stelzner: So what should I do, just bleed it out? Use leeches? That's what they did in the 1700s. Allison: Yeah, and they lived long, prosperous lives in the 1700s!
//Stelzner realizes that his assigned seating has unwittingly segregated the class by gender Stelzner: What the hell is this, a middle school dance? MINGLE!
//Reading Hamlet Stelzner: So, see, Claudius knows that Laertes is the people's man. He's who they want to be king. Get it? Class: (uncertain) Stelzner: Come on, okay. He's the guy who goes around partying in France and killing people with his sword and staying in whorehouses. HE IS THE 99%.
//About the cell phone policy Stelzner: My cell phone is better than yours, and I can't use mine [during class].
//Stelzner is a huge Mets fan Student 1: What's alliteration? Stelzner: It's when you're repeating a consonant. You know, like, uhh, 'Sally sells seashells.' Student 2: That was terrible! Mr. Stelzner, you're the Mets of alliteration!
//during exam review Stelzner: Define assertation. Student: What? Stelzner: Oops, I mean assertion. Gah, guys, I can't read! Student: Would you pass this exam, Mr. Stelzner? Stelzner: I don't know, but I'm a teacher so it doesn't matter. So, define assertation. (pause) No, I did it again! Your English teacher can't read! Student: It's like we're in DC public schools!
//Honors English 12 - during the course registration video, we're watching a movie Student: Hey Stelzner, Dr. Coleman's spying on you. Stelzner: What? Student: Dr. Coleman! He's outside the window! Stelzner: Don't worry. I can deal with him if I need to. Student: Yeah, we can beat him up!
//honors English 12 Stelzner: I love hijinks at graduation; it's almost as good as hijinks at prom. Abenzer: Like throwing a baby into the dumpster! Stelzner: That's not really a hijink... Abenzer: It is if you yell 'surprise!' It's like rape -- did you know that it's not rape if you yell surprise?