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Jan. 27, 2021, 1:16 p.m.

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//last day of ap lit Stelzner: Taylor Swift > Shakespeare



Dec. 18, 2020, 1:29 p.m.

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//ap lit Stelzner: you know, this book only costs $12 if you don't return it, and it's a good book to hold onto. //in the chat: "Stelzner out here encouraging us to steal books from the school" Stelzner: I would NEVER do such a thing! At least, not while the meeting is being recorded. Which it isn't, because I've paused it. So yeah, do whatever you want.



March 12, 2013, 6:45 p.m.

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Max: You shouldn't take antibiotics at all! Stelzner: So what should I do, just bleed it out? Use leeches? That's what they did in the 1700s. Allison: Yeah, and they lived long, prosperous lives in the 1700s!



Dec. 18, 2012, 10:54 p.m.

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//Stelzner realizes that his assigned seating has unwittingly segregated the class by gender Stelzner: What the hell is this, a middle school dance? MINGLE!



Dec. 10, 2012, 9:55 p.m.

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//Reading Hamlet Stelzner: So, see, Claudius knows that Laertes is the people's man. He's who they want to be king. Get it? Class: (uncertain) Stelzner: Come on, okay. He's the guy who goes around partying in France and killing people with his sword and staying in whorehouses. HE IS THE 99%.



Aug. 30, 2011, 7:12 p.m.

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//About the cell phone policy Stelzner: My cell phone is better than yours, and I can't use mine [during class].



Jan. 16, 2011, 6:12 p.m.

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//Stelzner is a huge Mets fan Student 1: What's alliteration? Stelzner: It's when you're repeating a consonant. You know, like, uhh, 'Sally sells seashells.' Student 2: That was terrible! Mr. Stelzner, you're the Mets of alliteration!



Jan. 16, 2011, 6:11 p.m.

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//during exam review Stelzner: Define assertation. Student: What? Stelzner: Oops, I mean assertion. Gah, guys, I can't read! Student: Would you pass this exam, Mr. Stelzner? Stelzner: I don't know, but I'm a teacher so it doesn't matter. So, define assertation. (pause) No, I did it again! Your English teacher can't read! Student: It's like we're in DC public schools!



Jan. 11, 2011, 9:06 a.m.

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//Honors English 12 - during the course registration video, we're watching a movie Student: Hey Stelzner, Dr. Coleman's spying on you. Stelzner: What? Student: Dr. Coleman! He's outside the window! Stelzner: Don't worry. I can deal with him if I need to. Student: Yeah, we can beat him up!



Jan. 7, 2011, 7:42 a.m.

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//honors English 12 Stelzner: I love hijinks at graduation; it's almost as good as hijinks at prom. Abenzer: Like throwing a baby into the dumpster! Stelzner: That's not really a hijink... Abenzer: It is if you yell 'surprise!' It's like rape -- did you know that it's not rape if you yell surprise?