Schwartz: Sorry guys; you found the secret; all of calculus is a lie.
// Entering the dungeon Schwartz: And here you have the INTEGRAL TROLL. Schwartz: And it says "Fi fie fo fum, I see an n that needs to be turned into a continuous x!"
//describing a difficult problem Schwartz: This is awful. I'll make you do it -- once. Schwartz: I'll make you do it so you appreciate how awful it is, and you realise that you don't want to do it.
//teaching integration technique Schwartz: You should definitely go to college and call this "swingy-swingy". Schwartz: Everyone will definitely know what you're talking about, and not think it's weird.
// Anal 1 video Schwartz: You might think that step 3 is setting up the integral. Schwartz: But no, it's me, Dio! Schwartz: I, whatever. That's probably more groanworthy than funny at this point, who cares.
//while drawing a number line with stick figures on it Schwartz: See, there are people at each of these points. Actually, there are infinite people and not just at those points. It's like..... a blob of flesh. Continuous flesh. Schwartz: (pauses) Schwartz: And that is the idea of an integral!
Schwartz: If f satistfies these conditions, then f is "integrable" on a to b. Schwartz: You might think this is related to something we learned about earlier. It is not! Schwartz: The similar names are from *sheer coincidence*! This is called "integrable" ... because it is integral to our study of calculus!
Schwartz: You might be a heathen. Schwartz: You might be an ACADEMIC FREAK. Schwartz: You might have encountered something in the past about how this is somehow related to an indefinite integral, but don't be DEGENERATE! Schwartz: An indefinite and definite integral have NOTHINGGGGG to do with each other, just like how inflammable and flammable do NOT mean the same thing! *Entire class breaks down, Stephen Chen very audibly in hysterics*
// Discussing definite integration and Riemann sums Schwartz: I know the answer here is 2/3 because of magic. Andy: What? Schwartz: Like I said, it's magic, I just know. Ace: You're using something other than Riemann sums... Schwartz: Nope! I have NO CLUE what you're talking about, that doesn't exist! Ace: He's using some big brain method. Schwartz: Nope! No brain, just magic.
// Anal 1 exam last minute cram session, student decides to ask about integrals and curves despite not being on the exam Student: Mr. Schwartz, how would you find the area... Schwartz: NOPE. I have NO CLUE what you're talking about. Student: -under the curve... Schwartz: That's silly! Student: What about the asymptotes... Schwartz: *We're not there yet.* Shhhhhhhh!