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April 15, 2019, 4:05 p.m.

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//Schwartz subbing in for Donaldson's Origins class Students around the room, imitating Aristotle: The sea is salty because the earth is sweating. People exhaling causes shooting stars. There are 53 spheres between the Earth and the Milky Way. People peeing and then having a tremor is analogous to the earth's waters flowing, followed by an earthquake. Schwartz: I'm beginning to understand why ancient philosophers were deemed heretics.



April 5, 2019, 5:25 p.m.

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//Complex //Haydn ties the window's pull cord to a stool, then places a pen on the string and lets go. The pen moves along the rope and hits the chair //Class looks at Haydn Schwartz: I have a story to tell about this. When I took AP Environmental Science-- do you guys still do that? The easiest way to pass the test is to pick the option closest to "Humans suck, and if we keep doing whatever we're doing, we're screwed". Environmental science is actually interesting, but the test was awful. Anyways, I finished in 45 minutes and had an hour left. It was also my last test, so I had all my AP student labels, and there were tissues, paper, pencils, and other instruments on a table we could go to. By using my student labels as adhesive, I constructed a sailboat during that hour, and whenever the proctor made their rounds, I would blow the sailboat from one end of the desk to the other.



March 28, 2019, 9:15 p.m.

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//ARML practice //Peter presenting a solution Peter: I got all the questions right except this one, so I don’t know why I’m doing this. Schwartz: Weird flex but okay.



March 27, 2019, 7:29 p.m.

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//Diff eq, just finished a Kahoot Schwartz: Wait, here's a prize for the person in second place. It's a packet of salt. Because they didn't get first.



March 22, 2019, 6:51 p.m.

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//Complex Schwartz: As an undergrad, I was in this abstract algebra class with 4 students in it. One of them was a middle schooler. He was just enrolled in one of our classes, and he did problem sets with us. One day he came into class super excited and said: (high pitched voice) "Hey guys! My mom said you guys can come over to our house and work on the problem set together!" Now, back then, we didn't have cars because we were college students. So, his mom picked each of us up and drove us to his house. I think we did our abstract algebra homework in what was effectively his play room. The best part is, his mom would bake cookies for us, which we ate while doing the problem set.



March 22, 2019, 6:51 p.m.

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//Complex //Favid really loves lying down on the tables Schwartz: Hey, Favid. //Favid doesn't respond Schwartz: I said his name. Oh well. I specifically told my analysis students to put their projects on the ceiling, just for you, Favid. You can look at memes while lying on the tables!



March 22, 2019, 6:30 p.m.

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//Complex //Abigail is sitting on a table, and Eli is sitting behind her. Schwartz: Eli, can you see the board? Eli: ... No. Schwartz: I only have one rule about sitting on tables. You can't do it if somebody is sitting behind you. Abigail: Yeah! Eli, you should move! //Eli sits on the table next to Abigail. Now Will Bass's vision is blocked too. //Will Bass stands on the table.



March 22, 2019, 1:08 p.m.

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//Analysis 1B, discussing upcoming class where Schwartz shows The Princess Bride Schwartz: Snacks would be a good idea. Giles used to make waffles. If I made waffles I would poison you. Sam: That's just gonna help us build a tolerance to the poison.



March 13, 2019, 6:43 p.m.

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//Complex Schwartz: The bell will ring now. //Bell rings on "now". Class is in awe. Schwartz: I wear a watch for a reason!



March 6, 2019, 3:54 p.m.

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//Complex Schwartz: I am a pure mathematician. The concept of usefulness is beyond me. //later Schwartz: Math is a strong, independent subject that don't need no applications!