// Schwartz was talking about pirating Super Metroid
Schwartz: You know people once tried to make anti-piracy ads, and they said stuff like "Would you want to pirate a car?" I mean what kind of question is that, of course I would want to pirate a car! If I could get a car for free why wouldn't I?
//Guest lecture by UMD professor Tamas Darvas
Darvas: I'm talking about the definition of smoothness you think about when you wake up in the morning. (draws examples)
Schwartz, whispering: This is what I meant when I said "Complex is for students who wake up in the morning and think, today's a good day because I have math!"
//Schwartz subbing in for Donaldson's Origins class
Students around the room, imitating Aristotle: The sea is salty because the earth is sweating. People exhaling causes shooting stars. There are 53 spheres between the Earth and the Milky Way. People peeing and then having a tremor is analogous to the earth's waters flowing, followed by an earthquake.
Schwartz: I'm beginning to understand why ancient philosophers were deemed heretics.
//Haydn ties the window's pull cord to a stool, then places a pen on the string and lets go. The pen moves along the rope and hits the chair
//Class looks at Haydn
Schwartz: I have a story to tell about this. When I took AP Environmental Science-- do you guys still do that? The easiest way to pass the test is to pick the option closest to "Humans suck, and if we keep doing whatever we're doing, we're screwed". Environmental science is actually interesting, but the test was awful. Anyways, I finished in 45 minutes and had an hour left. It was also my last test, so I had all my AP student labels, and there were tissues, paper, pencils, and other instruments on a table we could go to. By using my student labels as adhesive, I constructed a sailboat during that hour, and whenever the proctor made their rounds, I would blow the sailboat from one end of the desk to the other.
Schwartz: As an undergrad, I was in this abstract algebra class with 4 students in it. One of them was a middle schooler. He was just enrolled in one of our classes, and he did problem sets with us. One day he came into class super excited and said: (high pitched voice) "Hey guys! My mom said you guys can come over to our house and work on the problem set together!" Now, back then, we didn't have cars because we were college students. So, his mom picked each of us up and drove us to his house. I think we did our abstract algebra homework in what was effectively his play room. The best part is, his mom would bake cookies for us, which we ate while doing the problem set.
//Favid really loves lying down on the tables
Schwartz: Hey, Favid.
//Favid doesn't respond
Schwartz: I said his name. Oh well. I specifically told my analysis students to put their projects on the ceiling, just for you, Favid. You can look at memes while lying on the tables!