Schwartz: So here we have a tank of some liquid. Class: Hydrochloric acid! Schwartz: What? Oh, this is a different kind of tank problem. We're trying to drain the tank here. Hadar: But what about the magical Stevens and Isaiahs? Schwartz: Oh. They'll be drained out too.
//Jeremy walks into Analysis 1B, which is about to take a test Schwartz: What class should you be in? Jeremy: English, but I already finished all my assignments there. Schwartz: Check if your teacher's okay with you being here. Schwartz: If you want to take a test for a class you're not in, and your actual teacher allows that, I'm okay with it. //later, Jeremy considering taking the test the rest of the class is taking Schwartz: Do you know about Taylor series? Jeremy: No ... Schwartz: Alright; I'll find something else for you to do. //later, Schwartz gives Jeremy a test Schwartz: This test is from the second half of my Analysis 2 course. //rest of class audibly stunned
Schwartz: I guess bells aren't ringing today *Bell ring immediately after he said that* Schwartz: I guess bells are ringing today.
// Complex presentations, topic is Laplace Transforms Booyya: if you're in DiffEq right now, we haven't learned about Laplace Transforms yet. Booyya: and if you took DiffEq last year, that was online, so we haven't learned about Laplace Transforms yet.
// Hammond walks into diffeq, sees the board Hammond: are those absolute values or matrices? Schwartz: matrices Hammond: thank goodness Hammond: this class has absolutely no value
Schwartz: this method would only ever be useful in EXTRAORDINARILY contrived problems Schwartz: ...like every homework problem
Schwartz: this is a formal math term, that what we have here is "a big mess"
Schwartz: dogs are machines by which non dog is turned into dog
//chaotic schwartz anthology, february 24 //this was during a lesson using applied-diffeq problems based on student suggestions "Warning: don't actually eat charcoal! That's a really bad idea." "When making charcoal, our food that is best served hot, I like to just put it on the oven, and turn the oven on. I like it at 425 degrees, but that's just a personal preference." "What would happen if I removed charcoal from the oven on the surface of the sun?" "The charcoal is magical. It magically knows, depending on where it is, whether to get hot or to get cold." "My house must be really screwed up. It heats some things up, but makes other things cool down." "Awesome! We have now solved global warming! We can cool down the sun by cooking our charcoal on the surface of the sun. This is math, where we get lots of solutions to real-world problems." "These are magical Stevens and Isaiahs. They have no mass, they take up no space, they do not dissolve in hydrochloric acid, and they do not need to breathe." "The glass sprinkles in our tank are evenly distributed at all times, thanks to the efforts of our magical Stevens and Isaiahs." "This is an everyday experience I know you all have. Think of what happens when you dump glass sprinkles in your hydrochloric acid." "Like I said, it's important to connect math to your everyday experiences. I want you to think about what happens when you dump glass sprinkles in your tub of hydrochloric acid, like you did yesterday." "If your magical Stevens and Isaiahs stop swimming, you'll get a film of glass sprinkles on the top. That's not good."
//when prompted for animals, someone suggests "thirteen" Schwartz: You will find that the more ridiculous the suggestion, the more likely I am to take it. //later, commentary on model based on thirteen as animal Schwartz: Bacteria are generally a better model of population growth than animals. Student: Thirteens are bacteria. Schwartz: How could I not have known that thirteens are bacteria? Of course!