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Feb. 10, 2014, 6:38 p.m.

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//Walking into Thermo Kirkendall: *sigh* this just isn't my week. Michelle: Jacob, it's Monday. Kirkendall: ...yeah, I know...



Feb. 11, 2013, 9:50 a.m.

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Allen: Wait, Jacob, you went to SSI? Jacob: Yeah. Allen: Did you get mugged?



Jan. 18, 2013, 11:38 a.m.

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//After finishing the shoe project in Materials Science, students have gone outside to test the durability of their shoes by playing kickball Kaluta: Okay, Jacob Kirkendall, you can be the 5th period team's captain. Michael Katz: Oh my god, we have a Captain Kirk.



Jan. 5, 2013, 2:14 p.m.

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//Early in the morning, outside of POE Kirkendall: So, you know how annoying the horny couples who make out in the hallways are? Well, this morning, I discovered something even more annoying: husky horny couples who make out in the hall! It's just as obnoxious, but with twice the surface area for blocking the hall! Evan: That's actually hilarious. Kirkendall: No, it's awful.



Oct. 10, 2012, 7:35 p.m.

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//During XC Practice, Raanan and Kirkendall are approached from behind by Andrew Simler, who they think is Patrick Shan. Raanan: Patrick, your hair turned orange! And you're not Asian anymore! Kirkendall: I think you mean to say, he became...disoriented.



May 21, 2012, 7:57 p.m.

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//In POE just after class started Raanan: Jacob, did you get a haircut? Jacob: NO. I dyed part of my hair invisible.



April 23, 2012, 11:37 p.m.

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//Patrick Shan jokes are the new Chuck Norris jokes, Jacob Kirkendall jokes are just true... Patrick: Patrick Shan has never seduced a woman. The word seduction implies that he had to try. Jacob: Jacob Kirkendall has never seduced a woman. EVER.



April 21, 2012, 6:51 p.m.

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//At Wallops, talking about go-carting later that day Amy: Raymond, we need to race so I can beat you, and prove that [Asian girls] can drive! Raymond: I mean, I guess, but... Jacob: See, the problem is -- Well, just watch, every stereotype's gonna happen: Amy's gonna lose control and crash, and then, Raymond's gonna be just chillin' and get pulled over by the cops.



April 14, 2012, 12:48 a.m.

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Jacob: I've found that I don't need to tell jokes myself for everyone to hear them anymore. See what you do is, you tell the joke to Patrick, and he immediately goes about the room telling it to everyone. I suck at delivery anyways.



Feb. 2, 2012, 4 p.m.

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//Discussing Analysis classes, and how they're abrieviated as ANAL: Kirkendall: How's that class going for you? I hear the teacher's a pain in the ass.