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Dec. 15, 2014, 4:47 p.m.

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//Unnamed student (henceforth "Student") is giving a practice SRP presentation on people’s ability to distinguish between speaking and singing. //Student finishes presenting; more than half of the class raises their hand. Mike, to Matthew: Sorry, what’s everybody’s question? Matthew: Like, "what exactly did you do, again?" //Questions went on for half an hour. Below are some highlights. -- Harrison: So basically your project is about differentiating between speaking and singing. Do you have an objective definition of singing? Student: Singing is pleasing to the ears. Harrison: But do you have an objective definition? Student: No. Music is subjective. Harrison: Okay, so basically your project is meaningless. //Student calls on someone else. -- Arjuna: Doesn’t perception change with age? Student: Yeah, but age doesn’t really matter. Arjuna: So are you blocking by age? Student: Um... uh... yeah, sure. -- Eric: How many age blocks do you have? Student: Age doesn’t really matter. Eric: But are you blocking by age? Student: Uh, sure. Eric: So you have a sample size of 24, you have two gender blocks, and you have several age blocks. How will you be able to get statistically significant results? //Class laughs. Student: Well, after we have the data, we’ll figure out whether it’s statistically significant. Matthew: But Eric just figured out that it’s not statistically significant. Mike, to Matthew and Eric: Okay, we’ve determined that the whole project is BS. Let’s move on. //Student calls on the next person with a question. -- Sachin: Can you go back to the first slide? //Student goes back to the title slide. //5-second silence Student: So what’s your question? Sachin: Oh, I don’t have one. I just wanted you to go back to that slide. //Later Eric: Wait, why did you ask to go back to the first slide? Sachin: I just wanted to stall. Eric: So there wouldn’t be any more presentations? Sachin: Yeah, and to troll. -- Eric, to Mike: I think his project is not topologically equivalent to Salamano. //Note: Salamano, a character in _The Stranger_, is Eric’s go-to example of something that doesn’t have holes in it. Mike, to Eric: I think his project is topologically equivalent to a sponge. //After 5 seconds. Mike, to Eric: Actually, it’s topologically equivalent to a Sierpinski sponge, because it has no volume. Dennis, to Mike and Eric: If he did a math presentation, he would understand numbers better than anyone since Morris Kline. //Note: making fun of this ridiculous quote at the bottom of the front cover of this book: -- Ms. Bosse: Did anybody not ask a question yet? -- //This one might not be very accurate. //Kevin frantically waves his hand. Student calls on him. Kevin: You said during your presentation that audio evidence cannot be used in court, but I think that you can in fact use audio recordings in court. Student: Oh, by audio evidence I mean what people say they heard, not actual recordings. Kevin: But what if there’s hearsay? Student: What’s hearsay? //Kevin explains what hearsay is. Student: Oh, but I’m talking about actual recordings.



April 4, 2014, 2:55 p.m.

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//Pd. 7 Schafer quantum. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was covered during the previous class. //Mike leaves the room right before pd. 7 starts to look for his backpack. Schafer doesn't realize this. //1 minute into class: Schafer: Wait, where's Mike? Eric: He went to look for his backpack. //Mike comes back without a backpack. Schafer: Where'd you go? Mike: I went to look for my backpack and I still don't know where it is. Naeem: Wait, isn't it right there? [Points to backpack.] Mike: Oh yeah, thanks. Student: That's like Brownian motion. Schafer: How is it like Brownian motion? Mike: Wait, no. It's like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. I knew _exactly_ what its momentum was, so I didn't know where it was. Schafer: Yeah, true. He knew _exactly_ how fast it was going, so he couldn't have had any idea where it was. //A few minutes later, Schafer calls on Mike to explain something. The tables in the classroom are unusually arranged, so Mike can't get to the front of the room. Schafer: Yep, I set up these tables like that _just_ so you couldn't get to the front of the room. //Mike succeeds in getting to the front of the room. Mike: Oh yeah? Well I just thwarted your plans! //Schafer throws Mike a marker, but throws it badly intentionally, that way Mike can't catch it. Mike doesn't come close to catching it. Schafer: Ha! What now‽ Mike: To be fair, I knew exactly how fast the marker was travelling.



Feb. 28, 2012, 6:23 p.m.

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//Freshmen chem are discussing races in the Magnet. Pham: Asians, raise your hands. //All Asians and a few non-Asians raise their hands. Pham: No, seriously. Eric Neyman: I am serious; I am from Israel. Mike Winston: No, you're not! Eric: Fine, my ancestors were from Israel. Mike: Your ancestors were from Africa! Eric: Okay, fine. I'm black.



Feb. 21, 2011, 7:37 p.m.

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Winston: So, are you excited for tonight? (silence and then laughter) Teacher: There's a lot of different answers to that question on a lot of different levels.



Nov. 30, 2009, 5:42 p.m.

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Winston (to Ms. Cannon): How DARE you accuse me of incestuous behaviour?!

Ms. Cannon wanted her students to get in groups with classmates they hadn't previously worked with.

winston, incest, cannon