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May 7, 2015, 3:30 p.m.

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//Talking about using Laplace vs. Eigen for solving systems of differential equations Schwartz: If you're not busy 6th, 8th or 9th, you can stop by to learn [Eigen methods for systems of diffeqs]. Mike: If you're not busy 6th, 8th, AND 9th, you can do it with Laplace.



April 21, 2015, 9:28 p.m.

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//Physics team meeting Mike: So say you have a solar system. Victor: That's like a pretty big system! Mike: But not as big as your mom!

Victor is constantly, as Mike puts it, "undermining Mike" during physics team meetings. In response, Mike usually insults Victor in some way, shape, or form.

mike, victor, system, team, physics



Dec. 15, 2014, 4:47 p.m.

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//Unnamed student (henceforth "Student") is giving a practice SRP presentation on people’s ability to distinguish between speaking and singing. //Student finishes presenting; more than half of the class raises their hand. Mike, to Matthew: Sorry, what’s everybody’s question? Matthew: Like, "what exactly did you do, again?" //Questions went on for half an hour. Below are some highlights. -- Harrison: So basically your project is about differentiating between speaking and singing. Do you have an objective definition of singing? Student: Singing is pleasing to the ears. Harrison: But do you have an objective definition? Student: No. Music is subjective. Harrison: Okay, so basically your project is meaningless. //Student calls on someone else. -- Arjuna: Doesn’t perception change with age? Student: Yeah, but age doesn’t really matter. Arjuna: So are you blocking by age? Student: Um... uh... yeah, sure. -- Eric: How many age blocks do you have? Student: Age doesn’t really matter. Eric: But are you blocking by age? Student: Uh, sure. Eric: So you have a sample size of 24, you have two gender blocks, and you have several age blocks. How will you be able to get statistically significant results? //Class laughs. Student: Well, after we have the data, we’ll figure out whether it’s statistically significant. Matthew: But Eric just figured out that it’s not statistically significant. Mike, to Matthew and Eric: Okay, we’ve determined that the whole project is BS. Let’s move on. //Student calls on the next person with a question. -- Sachin: Can you go back to the first slide? //Student goes back to the title slide. //5-second silence Student: So what’s your question? Sachin: Oh, I don’t have one. I just wanted you to go back to that slide. //Later Eric: Wait, why did you ask to go back to the first slide? Sachin: I just wanted to stall. Eric: So there wouldn’t be any more presentations? Sachin: Yeah, and to troll. -- Eric, to Mike: I think his project is not topologically equivalent to Salamano. //Note: Salamano, a character in _The Stranger_, is Eric’s go-to example of something that doesn’t have holes in it. Mike, to Eric: I think his project is topologically equivalent to a sponge. //After 5 seconds. Mike, to Eric: Actually, it’s topologically equivalent to a Sierpinski sponge, because it has no volume. Dennis, to Mike and Eric: If he did a math presentation, he would understand numbers better than anyone since Morris Kline. //Note: making fun of this ridiculous quote at the bottom of the front cover of this book: -- Ms. Bosse: Did anybody not ask a question yet? -- //This one might not be very accurate. //Kevin frantically waves his hand. Student calls on him. Kevin: You said during your presentation that audio evidence cannot be used in court, but I think that you can in fact use audio recordings in court. Student: Oh, by audio evidence I mean what people say they heard, not actual recordings. Kevin: But what if there’s hearsay? Student: What’s hearsay? //Kevin explains what hearsay is. Student: Oh, but I’m talking about actual recordings.



May 29, 2014, 12:41 a.m.

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//In Analysis II, while listing ways to solve a given differential equation Cathy: We can always do guess and check. Schwartz: Yeah! We can all be Mike for today. Mike: Woah. Mike does NOT check.

Mike is infamous for never writing any work down.




April 4, 2014, 2:55 p.m.

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//Pd. 7 Schafer quantum. The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle was covered during the previous class. //Mike leaves the room right before pd. 7 starts to look for his backpack. Schafer doesn't realize this. //1 minute into class: Schafer: Wait, where's Mike? Eric: He went to look for his backpack. //Mike comes back without a backpack. Schafer: Where'd you go? Mike: I went to look for my backpack and I still don't know where it is. Naeem: Wait, isn't it right there? [Points to backpack.] Mike: Oh yeah, thanks. Student: That's like Brownian motion. Schafer: How is it like Brownian motion? Mike: Wait, no. It's like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle. I knew _exactly_ what its momentum was, so I didn't know where it was. Schafer: Yeah, true. He knew _exactly_ how fast it was going, so he couldn't have had any idea where it was. //A few minutes later, Schafer calls on Mike to explain something. The tables in the classroom are unusually arranged, so Mike can't get to the front of the room. Schafer: Yep, I set up these tables like that _just_ so you couldn't get to the front of the room. //Mike succeeds in getting to the front of the room. Mike: Oh yeah? Well I just thwarted your plans! //Schafer throws Mike a marker, but throws it badly intentionally, that way Mike can't catch it. Mike doesn't come close to catching it. Schafer: Ha! What now‽ Mike: To be fair, I knew exactly how fast the marker was travelling.



Oct. 4, 2013, 8:13 p.m.

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Mike: I don't understand why people credit Diocletian with ending the Crisis of the Third Century. He divided the empire in two, which, if you do the math, actually made it _less_ unified.



Sept. 19, 2013, 7:11 p.m.

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At Physics Team, doing dimensional analyis Mike: By the way, what does atan(1 meter) equal? \\Various people are confused, come up with answers Mike: It equals 'You're a moron, atan only takes dimensionless quantities'.



May 24, 2013, 7:28 a.m.

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//Discussing work involved with two methods of removing vomit from a conic vase (by scooping off the top, and by using a hose extended to the bottom to suck). Bendeguz: But why would you ever want to use a hose if in real life it would be more work? Mike: It's harder to build a machine that scoops than it is to make a hose. Bendeguz: You could just use a hose for the top layer, and keep lowering it. Mike: Maybe, but I have learned in POE that it does not take much work for a machine to suck.



March 12, 2013, 7:19 p.m.

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//Talking about hashing in Analysis of Algorithms //Dvorsky is reviewing that the 2 goals of hashing are having O(1) retrieval and minimizing collisions Dvorsky: So what's your goal of hashing? Mike: To make Ms. Dvorsky's life easier.

Your goal in Ms. Dvorsky's class is to make her life easy, but not when hashing....

dvorsky, mike



Jan. 11, 2013, 8:47 a.m.

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Mike: There are libraries, but are there any truthbraries? Eric: There is a Lie Algebra, but is there any Truth Algebra? Mike: Yes, Boolean Algebra.